Do You Want it More then They Do?

by Chris Atley

If we’re desperately trying to help someone who doesn’t really want our help, we’re putting out a lower energy.

We’re attached in some way, shape or form to the  outcome with the root cause being in fear. We’ve stepped out of faith for whatever reason and into fear instead.

Maybe we are worried about finances or wanting love / recognition on a deeper level, which is dysfunctional when we’re looking for it outside of ourselves. Both reasons are rooted in fear.

If you are invested in someone else’s growth more then 50% then they are, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If the other party isn’t at least 50% invested in their own growth, it means they just won’t be willing to do what it takes to be successful. If you are overinvested, you want it more for them then they want it for themselves and something else is going on for you at a deeper level – the need to fix others to gain love / approval, etc. Tough love I know and this is why it’s important to know what your core issue is deep down.

The problem is that you are going to bend over backwards, spending a ton of time and energy trying to help this person and expending far more energy then they will put in toward their own success. As much as we want to help people, it’s neither worth the time nor the energy for you. Help people who want to be helped. Does it mean you can’t help those who aren’t ready at all? No. You can recommend resources, share information that will be helpful, and do anything that feels reasonable and is respectful of your own boundaries around your time.

What happens if you don’t follow this guidance and help them on a deeper level anyway? You will end up feeling resentful and angry. Now you’ve spent all of this time and energy and they aren’t doing their part. They’re not showing-up and doing what they need to do in order to grow.  You can’t understand why they won’t do what you have mapped out. Well, it’s because they were never really ready to begin with.

So how do you shift this? Well, identifying the behaviour early on is key. Notice when you seem to want it more for someone else then they want it for themselves. If you’re pushing for something and they’re backing away, leave it at that. Let them go. Let go of the attachment. For when you do, you will create the space for another door to open. It’s like hanging on to something so tightly with a clenched fist. You’re so focused on it you don’t see what else is going on around you. Once you finally let go and open it up, you feel less stressed, more calm and most importantly expansive. Give it a try :-)

So go curious, and look at where your beahviour is coming from as mentioned earlier. Behind every behaviour is a positive intention / reason. On the surface it might be about wanting to grow your business and therefore thinking about money, which is really about freedom. It could be again that you fixing someone else, makes you feel better about yourself. Therefore, it’s about looking for love / acceptance. All reasons then lead back to the fear of not getting it, and thus attachment is created. Sneaky business right?!

I just experienced this the other day. I had someone reach out about doing some private coaching. She was excited about growing her business and knew she had some blocks to work through in order to achieve the results and lifestyle she was wanting. Great! I was excited to dive in and get started. I could feel myself moving into wanting this more for her then she wanted it for herself.

My ego self got caught-up in fixing her, thus my core wound of approval-seeker rearing its familiar head. My higher self knew this person wasn’t quite ready. I ignored my higher self and it’s all knowing for a couple of days :) I started getting irritated that this person just didn’t pull the trigger – doesn’t she want to fulfill her dreams?! I’m ready to help – geesh.

It wasn’t a good vibe for sure. I started paying attention to my wiser self and thought, what is all of this about? This is not your ideal client. You want this more then she wants it for herself, and you’re too focused on wanting this for her. It’s okay if she’s not ready. Let her go. Focus on what you really want to be doing. So I did. I will say in order to shift this quickly, it involves practicing standing in a place of faith and knowing we’re always taken care of, so that we can stand in a place of utmost service instead. A process I continue to practice.

I kid you not, within 30-minutes of these thoughts - poof - I received an email from the person in charge of training and development at a huge company (valued at 46-billion), who wanted to connect about doing some coaching and speaking. What a huge opportunity to impact many lives, and this in line with my bigger vision.

Whether it’s one person or one organization at a time, I am committed to helping those who are ready to grow and change. And if they’re not, that’s okay too. It’s their right and I’ve been in that place before too. We’re still all great people.

One of my clients experienced this too, which is how I know it’s an important topic. She was feeling frustrated with a team member’s lack of commitment to growing the business, and was triggered as a result. Getting triggered, just means it’s another opportunity to let go and learn how to trust and be of service on a deeper level :-)

Amazing things happen when we let go of lower fear-based vibrations. Once again, what we put out we will receive back in spades.

What can you let go of today in your business and life? What are you too attached to that is rooted in fear?

Written by Success Speaker & Coach Chris Atley, CEO of Chris Atley LLC ~ Decisions by Design. For complimentary success tips for business and life, please visit

Photo credit:

Oladimeji Odunsi

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